Valentine
It’s Valentine’s Day on Friday. And I have confession to make; I don’t like it. Yes, it could be because I am a singleton navigating this harsh world of squishy cuddly bears and commercial 500 ft red hearts everywhere. It could be because it is another commercialised holiday shoved down our throats and whoever is without a partner is made to feel guiltier by their choice to be single. Also, combined it with the fact that you shouldn’t need a holiday to tell your loved one that they are you loved one and…
Well, there is no way I am not coming off as a bitter singleton. So let’s go forth with a week of Anti-Valentines movies, for those who like me, want to enjoy a day of being just me, myself and I.
Today we start with Valentine. There have been a lot of horror movies revolving around Cupids arrow, with My Bloody Valentine being the main one. Valentine is a sub-par effort that hasn’t even got gore to go along with it. It is set around four popular girls and their dumpy friend who bully and torment a geeky guy so he gets sent a reform school. Years later and lo and behold, they are being picked off one by one and all fingers are point to the geek, who probably has come back to kill them. Staring Katherine Heigel, Mary Shelley, Denise Richards and David Boreanaz, this a slasher pointier than that cherubs arrow.
Why Is It Bad?
It’s terrible. It is a poor quality Scream slasher flick that fails to be good, scary or witty. Formulaic at worst, it fits every single goddamn trope out there and doesn’t enhance or twist it. There is the slutty girl who gets killed, the fat girl turned beautiful and a geek out for revenge. It is full up with this eye rolling, sigh inducing moments that doesn’t quite waver into so bad, it’s good category and lingers on the bland and benal.
Why Is It Good?
Oh who doesn’t want to enjoy a crap slasher every now and then? Plus it stars Boreanaz and a film with him cannot be all bad, can it? (see: The Crow: Wicked Prayer which isn’t just bad, it’s catastrophic.) There are some genuinely good kills here and a chance to see some horrible people get a comeuppance. And there’s a pretty creepy killer with a cherub mask (and nose bleed.) Not to mention there is enough here to follow the story line and get mildly interested in it
At the end of the day, Valentine is a slasher centred around Valentine’s Day and what better way than to calm your anger around the day of love. It is not complicated, it doesn’t require effort. All you have to do is buy a big tub of popcorn, a glass of wine and divulge into something truly naughty and bad!
TTFN
Cookie.