Kindergarten Cop
There was something so terrific about Arnold Schwarzenegger when you were a child in the nineties. Not only was he the terrifying robot from the Terminator series that you managed to sneak on while you’re parents were out, but he also dabbled his hands in comedy, thanks to the creative talents of director Ivan Reitman (that’s the man behind Ghostbusters.) Back to Arnie, this Austrian slurring, muscle bound behemoth somehow was the shit when you are a hyperactive 6 year old, running around your house shouting “I’ll be back” and “Kimble” ridiculously loudly. I cannot even explain what was running through my head. All I know is that Arnie was pretty much the bomb in my eyes.
The same goes for his film Kindergarten Cop which was the second of Reitman’s movies. It centred on Detective John Kimble whose biggest catch Cullen Crisp is slips through the system. When the villainous Crisp threatens to find and kidnap his ex-wife and son, Kimble and his partner Phoebe O’Hara try to infiltrate the school that she works at (and her son goes too.) One food poisoning later and Kimble is suddenly thrust into the role of teacher for a bunch of primary school teachers brand new into the education system. And while they are running circles around him, he is running out of time to catch the criminal and save the day.
Why is it Bad?
Look, this is nothing against Arnie because when he is gun totting, ball busting and quipping lines in his thick vocals. But the boy (yes, I said boy) isn’t exactly Oscar nominated. Here, much like his other movies, he hams his way through lines and practically gets dragged through the heinously stupid plot. It is basically throwing him into an uncomfortable situation and seeing what gurning he can muster. There are some ridiculously awkward times here and those moments make you cringe and shuffle awkwardly. You can practically hear his cries for help when you mention the title and that is very very sad. Also, look at the villains hairs, it's impossible to take them
seriously.
Why is it Good?
There is genuine mushy stuff floating through the screen of the Kindergarten Cop and what’s more, it is appealing. It is heart-warming and the fluffy adorableness of the children spouting lines about vaginas and talking about death. That and the heart pulsing drama at the end kept me enthralled time and time again. It shouldn’t gel and that’s probably one of the more annoying things because it does. Drenched in so much sentimentality and lunacy that pulls it out of the really bad territory and now a family favourite. Kindergarten Cop tick all the right boxes and gets the highest grades, even a gold star. Plus the kids are really cutie patooties and they get to run, attack and jump on one of the most famous action heroes of all time.
If you copy and paste this review but change the title to Junior or Twins then you’ll get the same outcome. The Reitman and Arnie combination hasn’t completely worn out over time. Though growing up, the added cynicism that you can only get with age makes it a little bit worse with each year, that warming nostalgia cannot fail. Think of it as a perfect Sunday movie that requires little effort, lots of fun and enough tension to occupy your time.
Oh and there’s a bloody cute ferret too.
TTFN
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