Flesh Gordon
In the 1970’s a film came out that swept a nation. This film spread across the nation in a flurry of adventure. With so many ground breaking special effects, brilliant dialogue and a wonderful action hero that we could all get behind. It may be cheesy but audiences loved it, vastly becoming one of the greatest films of genre. I’m talking Flesh Gordon. And my dears, that is not a spelling mistake. Because I am not talking about Flash, the bouffant blonde haired hero; I am talking about his porn star counterpart. And yes, Cookie N Screen is doing porn this week.
Reminiscent of the Flash Gordon miniseries but weirdly camper, Flesh Gordon is a highly entertaining porno. When evil Emperor Wang (the Perverted) sends a sex ray to Earth causing all the humans to sex each other up like crazy, it is up to Flesh to save the day and head into space to stop the villainous fiend. Teamed up with heroine Dale Ardour and Dr. Flexi Jerkoff, Flesh must do battle against monsters such as the Great God Porno, join forces with the massively gay Prince Precious, fight against penis monsters and have sex. No trust me; they have a lot of sex.
Why Is It Bad?
It’s a porn film. They are notoriously bad. Forcing sex into every other scene and nudity, the film is written to get tits into it as much as possible. And there are no Oscar winning performances her and you aren’t going to swept into its film by their cunning stunts or emotional investment. And it is ridiculously weird. I mean, it is weirder than any other porn movie. There are penis monsters with eyes, a dungeon pirate Lesbian with a hook, a Robin Hood esque Prince, a monster who literally just wants to look at your tits, a penis shaped space ship, a planet with an eye and that is the tame parts. Flesh Gordon is the most ridiculous porn movie ever to grace the world.
Why Is It Good?
Because it is the most ridiculous porn movie ever to grace the world. Unlike other porn movies (and trust me, they exist,) that attempt to have a serious storyline with sex involved, Flesh Gordon romps its way through happily adding another topless scene and making some sex pun quip. It’s so awfully cheesy that it is great. I ended up watching this as it as playing in the background of the bar (I go to some strange places) and I could not peel my eyes away. It is everything that makes the 70’s great; big hair (ha ha,) over the top action sequences, some masterpiece of jokes and some silly moments that make the movie great. It just has sex. It’s not hardcore either, just some nice erotica.
Look, most people watch porn and that isn’t a bad thing. It’s time to liberate and announce “I watch porn and I am proud!” Of course, the porn these days is pretty much like watching live sex with no mystery involved. Flesh Gordon, and I’m going to ruin you now, is the kind of porn your parents watched when they were your age. It is crazy. It is weird. And it is oddly tasteful. I think it draws you in because for the majority of the film you will be going “what the fuck?” You’ll stay for the fucking.
TTFN
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