5 Worst Movie Musicals
I love musicals. I will put my hands up now and admit it; every time a character bursts into song my lady parts go all a quiver. In fact, the quickest way to get into my pants is probably to burst into song and declare your undying love for me. I am still single (ladies) so get cracking bards. That being said musicals are probably in their own right a guilty pleasure. Not everyone goes on about them as gushingly as I do and sometimes, serious film lovers do not want their characters to inexplicably sing songs at them that could easily be said. However, when you look at movies such as Dancer in the Dark and classics such as Funny Girl and compare them to say, Repo! The Genetic Opera, there is a clear difference between the good and the bad. So here we have the worst movie musicals from the originals to the adaptations that go so far from the original, you wish they’d stick to the stage.
Sweeny Todd.
Sweeny Todd is Tim Burtons attempt at a musical without using stop animations. From this movie it is clear that he should have stuck with his puppet and Danny Elfman. Adapting Stephen Sondheim’s dark and twisted musical about a murdering barber in London, Tim Burton shockingly takes it and butchers it. Instead of using musically trained actors who could, you know, sing, Sweeny Todd is instead infested with the same old cast Tim Burton has been knocking about with. So in lead positions are Helena Bohem Carter and Johnny Depp. And the shame is that they can’t sing greatly. The songs in Sweeny Todd are created by genius Sondheim with murky undertones, chilling story plot and character development. All this is forgotten about when our actors open their movies and all details are drowned in squawking. And as though to make up for this, Burton makes the movie gory, bloody and lathers it in his tones of stripes and crazy hair. In fact, the only people who can sing are two support characters whose songs are actually interrupts half the time by our tuneless leads. God Dammit Depp!
High School Musical.
There is a part of me that kind of loves these movies. It is only a small part, right beside my knee, but it is there nonetheless. And although that part of me beats unwavering love for this movie, even I know that it is rubbish so far beyond rubbish, it has its own island floating in the sea. High School Musical is a Disney Channel Original Movie about our favourite jock Zac Efron and inexplicably hot geek Vanessa Hodgens falling in love over a song on holiday. While trying desperately not to rip off Grease, when she transfers over to his school and they both audition for the school musical; it is not long before they are upsetting the social ladder between jocks, drama students and geeks. High School Musical is pre teen nonsense that attempts to be a serious musical. Acting and singing are terms about a loose as the actual script writing in High School Musical. And while the girls wail their way through emotional songs about falling in love after meeting once, High School Musical tries desperately hard to tell young ones to be themselves no matter what. Which would be more effective if the whole cast weren’t too old for high school, stunning creatures and Zac Efron actually sang his parts.
The Phantom of the Opera.
The Phantom of the Opera stage show has shared 25 years of success in the West End. Andrew Lloyd Webbers classic still packs the houses night after the night as audiences are awash with the musical genius and special effects that enchant, intrigue and help us remember that love is blind as long as the man can sing. Unfortunately, I’m not talking about the stage show, I’m talking about 2004 Joel Schumacher (yes, him again) adaptation movie musical. Now don’t get me wrong, Phantom has some truly stunning parts from the costume design, the set design and Emmy Rossums beautiful vocals as Christine. And while the story arc has changed somewhat, inserting a rather forced and unbelievable back story to the character (I seriously find it hard that the owners of the Opera house never once found his Lair despite believing it is “haunted.” He comes through mirrors; you’d have to have noticed that stuff pretty early on.) I actually really rate this movie which is surprising for a Schumacher movie post The Lost Boys. The reason this is on my list is for one reason and one reason alone, Gerard Butler. Come watch The Phantom of the Opera to watch everyone’s favourite action hero prance around in tights and sing so out of tune, you’ll be wondering why Christine fell in love with him. Opting for a man who somehow has a singing lisp and strains each song to play the lead instead of the countless musical singers who would effectively shine in this role, Schumacher takes what could be a brilliant movie and makes it terrible.
Mamma Mia!
Again, here is another movie musical which for some reason cast one good singer and opts for famous faces to sing the Abba classics. Mamma Mia! is set on a small Greek Island inhabited by the most hilarious extras in the world....
And tells the tale of Donna, whose loose ways in the seventies come back to haunt her. When the men who overlapped come back in hopes of finding out if Sophie is theirs, Donna is dismayed. With everyone trying to get to the bottom of the paternity problem, Mamma Mia is a cheesy over the top homage to Swedish pop legends Abba. There are many famous faces in Mamma Mia! Meryl Streep, Julie Walters, Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, Dominic Cooper and Stellan Skarsgard. All of these people cannot sing. The only person who can is Amanda Seyfried but she has about three songs and has this wide eyed bratty behaviour about herself. And the storyline tries so hard to force Abba songs to match that it is unbelievable tripe that hurts the ears and the brain. So instead of, you know, heading over to the main Island and having a paternity test as normal people do, the characters decide singing about it will solve the riddle of who is Sophie's father.
Grease 2.
Known as possibly the worst musical of all time, Grease 2 was the sequel to the original smash hit that nobody ever wanted. Set two years after the classic, Michelle Pfeiffer now fills the role of leader of the Pink Ladies with Sandra Dee esque looks. Feeling she has outgrown her relationship with leader of the T Birds, and goes on a soul searching quest for herself and love. That is all you need to know because leaving the brilliance of the seventies and heading into the mad world of the eighties meant that Grease 2 fell so far away from the original, it is a hard watch. Musical moments reach lows as characters sing so longingly about bowling and driving cars. While their enemies have the ridiculous names, the “Cycle Lords” and a mysterious man called Cool Rider, Grease 2 fails on many levels. The acting is shockingly bad, the singing is no Olivia Newton John and the storyline is so farfetched that characters sing in many off beat places including a bomb shelter. When Grease 2 was suggested, the person should have been fired and moved as far away from the film making industry as humanely possible. Grease 2 is a tragic movie musical affair where the only redeeming feature is that people want to bone Michelle Pfeiffer. A movie so bad, that turning to sound off makes it better.
TTFN
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